An Ordinary Life

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To know herself is supernatural

Clarice Lispector

I recently started thinking about living and freedom and the role my memory played in all of these. I used to dread the idea of an ordinary life. I have witnessed people just floating through life and I never understood the need for the mundane. Even when there was no need. Yet, the relief in staying ordinary has always been a mystery to me. While thinking, going through pictures, memories that has been locked away, I was reading "An Apprenticeship or Book of Pleasures" by Clarice Lispector. I began to see the extraordinariness that can be born from being ordinary.

I have always had questions about life in general but I hated them. Never grew to like them one bit until I met my partner whose next best thing was asking questions. A way to understand things better. Trust me, always thinking of an answer took a toll on me until I began to see the uncertainty of it. The truth is we always want to know everything, even when that ruins things to a level , it isn't such a bad thing. When it comes to self, I highly suggest you ask those mighty questions that threatens your life. I never knew that in my quest of being so extra ordinary—the dying need to make an impact, to start with a gripping sentence when writing, to make meaningful work, or think smart, act presentable, so you don't get misunderstood or belittled—i have carved an ordinary path with a big calling...A whole new world to begin with. So as ordinary my life might be, I got to love the questions.

Loving the little joys, the things that seem insignificant from an outer lens carved out an ordinary life. Being a person with layers isn't easy. You get to meet new versions of yourself everyday. To think I am experiencing openness intimately, it scares me. I also think of my individuality a lot. The ropes tightened when I read that book. Seeing my previous selves truly in pages. Even in its wisdom, it was intense but calming. Coming to know myself has been a journey, I have come to love. Having someone who is patient with me as I grow stronger in my individuality has only made the daring more achievable. This present life has settled in my contentment and I think the challenges I'm yet to face, will be faced with openness. Something I am still learning about.

In this book, two lovers who see themselves in each other, gradually takes time to love themselves until the main character, Lori, finds freedom within herself. Ulisses, who was a finished man holds off in fully expressing his love until the love of his life is strong in her individuality. Every question, every burden, every small joy and grief, uncertainty about the love she had for this man, made the journey worth while as she intimately faced the daring truth about herself. This is a woman who doesn't get adults but yet has fallen in love with one, a kind, patient man but she had no idea how to be open towards this new life. Clarice Lispector in wisdom crafted this character to be so flawed and stronger when she reached the end of every phase in her journey. This book proved to me that the greatest love is in the ordinary. The tired sighs, burdens and questions that would finally make us whole.

Ulisses clearly taught her that she wouldn't be able to love him fully, if she doesn't understand who she is. He was suffering too because he was unsure if she would still choose him after, reaching her freedom. After seeking for the answers to her existence. She was uncertain, was bothered that a man like him loving her was unreal... She just need to see the possibility of her existence. The questions she never dated to ask, the experiences that she ran away from because she grew up too fast to the point where nothing bothered her any more. With the amount of time Ulisses, gave her space I thought he was a cheat. It took time before the idea of the story took root. It became clear, it was an unconventional love story. Two people finding their freedom, facing their fears, and becoming whole so they could love each other well without caution. It was magnificent to read.

I think every woman was Lori at some point in their life but the questions remains how patient are we? How are we willing to keep the questions of our existence in an ordinary state? Ulisses didn't buy her a mansion or gave her a black card. He simply just unlocked the woman that she was, made her blossom in herself and in freedom. Gave her the space to be whoever she wanted, whatever she wanted. He had to live with the possibility that she might not choose him afterwards. That was his suffering.

Loving the ordinary life I carved out for myself, made me realize that as human beings we are masters of nothing. If we must be free in the life that we have chosen, we have to continuously be an apprentice. Asking questions and figuring steps before we actually take it. We have to keep learning and accepting the small moments of joy, of just existing even if we hardly understand it. No matter how insane or confusing it is.

We have to love after we are worthy of the mightiness of life. We can't love fully with the broken pieces of ourselves, that's self destruction.

Recently I have laughed in long hours, sat in my wonder and wandered a bit. Cried briefly. Got tired most of the time and I am content with knowing this; with every fulfilling steps there are a thousand steps that I have clearly not taken. I started my manuscript recently and meeting my characters for the umpteenth time, I see a path not taken. Scary but the questions only make me dread my unraveling a bit more.

I am content with being alive in the ordinary before reaching the answers to the bigger questions. Even in the state of supernaturally knowing myself, I would not forget to take the road to simpler pleasures. Like the hugs, I have now come to love, the freedom in my playground, the contentment of breathing with water and unfolding with the evening hues, the high beat and low blues. The nature of playing dumb, learning to listen more to the spaces where words are hardly spoken. Touching the divine with my words, entering rooms where art is the only language. Accepting the madness and roaming with the wild. The simpler pleasures are a way to continuously heal the pieces I have come to know as my layered self.

I am content with being an apprentice. Content with being homesick for a few days, with reaching my home upon it's arrival. Singing laughter with happy tears and sad notes with small smiles. There is nothing bad with an ordinary life, it transcends beyond materialistic comfort bringing you into freedom that only you can provide.

I find the extraordinary while living an ordinary life and I learning to love it more. I wish you do too...

Until next time.